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I never update haha

seriously why do I keep this? XD

Ah so. Interesting story time.

I called the girls and left them a message. It's really hard for me to do that. I wanted them to be angry at me and forget me, I thought it would be easier for them. But then I remembered. I rmemebered how I felt when Ray left. I was about their age, and I didn't understand why he left. Even though they told me it wasn't my fault, I always felt it was. Because he didn't talk to me, I thought he hated me. I really hate admitting this, but this is my fault. I shouldn't have handled it this way, and it's time for me to make it right. Brienna deserves to see them one more time before she leaves for cali. And I'll do anything to help her get that.
So I called Ray. I called his cell, and this is what I said:
"Hey, it's Megan. If you could give me maybe five minutes, I really need to talk to you. This is important, so if you could call me for five minutes, I'd really appreciate it"
I can only hope that he'll accept it.

But, I'm not going to apologize to him. I don't feel that I've done anything to him. All the things I could have done, all the things I could have said, all the havoc I could have wrought in his life, I didn't do them. I'm not going to say something I don't mean. And that's why I'm making sure not to talk to my mom about this at all. She's a coward, she would want me to say things I don't mean, to "go along with it" and lie.

I hate talking to her about anything. She only thinks about how things affect her. She thinks that the only person who's hurting about Grandma's condition is her, and she won't talk about it. She forgot about my appointment, probably didn't bother scheduling another one because "Oh it's summer, there isn't anything troubling her, no, she didn't argue about Ray, she didn't find out her grandmother, whom she barely knows, is dying, her only other friend didn't move away, no, nothing at all." Of course, because you know, I was making up that I had depression, I was pretending that I was upset with my life, I have lots of friends who I hang out with every day and I never spend a whole day just sitting inside with  no one to talk to, no one to be around, no one to listen to me, nope. Nothing like that EVER happens.
FUck, I'm realyl starting to hate her. I try and do nice things for her, I make her coffee in the morning, I clean up the house without being asked, I do everything she asks of me, and she only yells at me when something just slipped my mind. I don't ever get thanked for anything I do. She thinks I just want material things. Yeah, I do want video games, because they distract me from reality. But what I want more than anything is for my own mother to recognize me. To, instead of saying "You need to study your japanese" but never offer to help, say "Wow, you've done so well". I went to a national competition and she never once said she was proud of me.

The more I think about this, the more annoyed I get with it. The more I realize how annoying it is, the angrier I get. Then I get angry over the fact I'm angry. I could really use a real life friend now. I need a hug, I need to get this anger out.  I really just need someone here who actually cares about me. It hurts realizing that I hate both of my parents.




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